Differently indifferent.

It’s been a while since i’ve posted, a ‘long’ while. Writing almost feel foreign to me at this point. Been through so much, accomplished so little…but i’m getting there, I have no other option. My fear is to wake up one day in my late 50’s and realize I haven’t accomplished anything I set my mind to in my younger years. My fear is to wake up one day and realize I wasn’t able to show my loved ones I could make my dreams come through before the cycle of life takes them. My fear is to wake up one day and not only be disappointed with the world, but most of all be disappointed with myself. My fear is to wake up one day and find out I’ve lost myself.

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.

-Alan Watts

Why I am convincing myself you aren’t good enough.

2months ago

Why I am convincing myself its not worth it. Is the same reason behind all these broken hearts and empty promises.

Is it really worth it to put in a 100% when the other person isn’t putting in half. All I have ever hoped was for things to be reciprocated. This  doesn’t have to do with just romantic relationships, but in general.

I don’t know how many times this year I have made the statement “not good enough” is it because there’s an undying feeling that I may not be good enough? In most romantic relationships I have, I am constantly thinking the other can probably do better, and find someone more “perfect” for them. I guess I am convincing myself, you aren’t good enough because I am expecting so much more.I have set a standard that you just cant compare to, I am not being self centered, shallow, narcissistic, or selfish(maybe a little) .

I just don’t want someone that I would have to “mold” or have to temporary change them. As judgmental as this may sound, I want someone who meets most of my standards, so we can both grow together. Take steps forward, not behind.

The Fear Of The Unknown

07.09.14. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Perks of being a wall flower

I fear getting attached. I fear being dependent. I fear being forgotten. I fear rejection. I fear relying on others. I fear being lonely. I fear being vulnerable. Unfortunately you would need to put most of these things aside in order to being intimate with others (just as friends or in general). Part of me fears that I don’t deserve being “loved “…well not yet at least, I need  to better myself, heal myself. Too many doubt, not just in myself but in others as well. I tend to screw things up, having doubts can do that to an individual. I like having the upper hand, because that way, there isn’t room to be hurt. I’ve been hurt one too many times, I try to prevent  putting myself in a situation like that again.Self love is so important in situations like this,  at the end of the day you really cant rely on anybody but yourself. Only you can pick yourself back up when times get tough.

All in all, I have came to a realization that nobody knows what the future holds for them, we all have some sort of fear for whats in store for us. So instead of living my life in fear, I should just go out and enjoy it, completely embrace it with opening arms, only then will I be able to overcome the fear of the unknown.