Creativity doesn’t pay the bills

I find myself daydreaming, “what if money was never a concept”. What will I be doing right now in this very moment, what will I choose to channel my energy in or educate myself on? What conversations will I withhold or partake in? Would I still find myself comparing how far along I am in life with those around me?

I am constantly catching myself engaging in new projects/goals, although hidden in my closet is the box of unfinished art….

Lets Talk “IT”!

Sex, drugs, and party seems to be the major topics in this generation music or even life style. All three together is looked upon negatively, and I never understood why sex was one of that. Aren’t we taught we could do anything we’d like with our bodies . Aren’t females taught that they should feel empowered by their bodies and could put it on display anyway they’d like. So how come it is seen negatively sometimes? When is the right time for sex to be okay? you can do whatever you’d like, yes its your body but always respect yourself.

Never feel the need to validate yourself by having sex, don’t feel pressured, don’t think someone will like you because you have sex with them. If you didn’t agree to it, tell someone don’t suffer in silence.

I believe sex is looked upon as a form to make ” love” meaning, when you’re with the rest person all the emotions are there, it would be one of the greatest feelings you could physically feel, closest thing to doing drugs

Differently indifferent.

It’s been a while since i’ve posted, a ‘long’ while. Writing almost feel foreign to me at this point. Been through so much, accomplished so little…but i’m getting there, I have no other option. My fear is to wake up one day in my late 50’s and realize I haven’t accomplished anything I set my mind to in my younger years. My fear is to wake up one day and realize I wasn’t able to show my loved ones I could make my dreams come through before the cycle of life takes them. My fear is to wake up one day and not only be disappointed with the world, but most of all be disappointed with myself. My fear is to wake up one day and find out I’ve lost myself.

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.

-Alan Watts

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Why I am convincing myself you aren’t good enough.

2months ago

Why I am convincing myself its not worth it. Is the same reason behind all these broken hearts and empty promises.

Is it really worth it to put in a 100% when the other person isn’t putting in half. All I have ever hoped was for things to be reciprocated. This  doesn’t have to do with just romantic relationships, but in general.

I don’t know how many times this year I have made the statement “not good enough” is it because there’s an undying feeling that I may not be good enough? In most romantic relationships I have, I am constantly thinking the other can probably do better, and find someone more “perfect” for them. I guess I am convincing myself, you aren’t good enough because I am expecting so much more.I have set a standard that you just cant compare to, I am not being self centered, shallow, narcissistic, or selfish(maybe a little) .

I just don’t want someone that I would have to “mold” or have to temporary change them. As judgmental as this may sound, I want someone who meets most of my standards, so we can both grow together. Take steps forward, not behind.

Same Ol’ Mistake.

I usually have a gut instinct, when I am making a mistake but I still go on with it. Lack of self control… I should say.  Then I beat myself up later for it later, sometimes these mistakes happen, because I figure I should have hope. Hope, that the results wont turn out like the last time, but I am proven wrong every single time! Part of me wonders when this cycle will end.

‘epiphany

I’ve just had an epiphany,which I’m sure most people in their life time have had, but aren’t taking as serious!… I have decided to live life to the fullest (and no that doesn’t mean I have to travel the world, do shrooms and attend festivals) I can live life to fullest in small aspects. As in when I wake up thank God/the universe that I’m still alive& healthy.

I have come to a realization that as humans our only purpose is literally to live…once we’re dead, we’re over…living is the longest thing we’re ever going to have to do, although people say life is short,its the only thing we all, as a collective do.

I’ve decided when I wake up I’ll set the mood to my day release positive energy to the universe cause what goes around comes around! I will start my day to a song that has something to do with being blissful(ex: oh happy day or pharrel-happy). I will say whats on my mind and not bite my tongue. I will admit to my mistakes and learn from them. I will grow and not be so hard on myself. I will start conversations with strangers more often (especially cute guys 😉 ) what is there to lose, compared to what is to gain. Learning about another human being who is literally just like you physically but so different  on an emotionally/psychologically level. What I’m saying is in some ways yeah life is short, it’s short as in holding onto anger, hate, jealousy &resentment. Try and let go of the things that hurt you. It’s killing you (forgive more) there’s so much beauty out there. We need to focus our energy in the good, we need to appreciate &accept our circumstances, we need to be more kind&thankful. Accept the good and bad in life. Yin-yang.

“you’re the universe, expressing itself as an human for a little while.”

blog 2

Mastering the art of getting by.

As an honor to the last month of 2015, I have decided to look at the past last months.

This year has been packed with numerous up’s and a handful of downs. I lost one of my best friend (He didn’t pass away or anything, but it sure as hell feels like he did) I use to catch myself waking up middle of the night in tears. Being cut off by someone you deeply care about with no explanations as to why, could destroy any human. It’s very difficult to try to reach out to someone who wants nothing to do with you, or the world, for that matter of fact. I just hope …life is nothing but wonderful for him, I pray he is blessed with a blissful life.

I gained a close friend, this year. Who has taught me so much about life. I learned how hard relationships were, what it meant to commit. How  to get back up countless times after heartbreaks. She thought me that hard work always pays off, and that I am not the only one with a chaos mind.

I’ve spent so much time alone, and plenty times with company. I have loathed myself, felt insecure, worthless, and even at some points desperate. Other times I’ve absolutely loved myself, and who I have become. I’ve felt beautiful, carefree, confident, happy, and powerful. I have felt like I could conquer any problems that appear in my way. Most importantly I have felt loved.

To master the art of getting by, you would have to accept that the only thing you can rely on in this life is ‘change’. People change, feelings change, season change, and times change. We hear this numerous times, “to live each day like it were out last”. While in reality if today were really my last, I’d probably spend it having a variety of emotions,  from anger, to fear, to joy. I might even cry, and regret things I’ve wasted time on; But honestly who knows when our last days are. So with that in mind, I promise to not deny myself the simple beauty of life. I have decided to live an extraordinary life. Take adventures, read more books, watch movies, spend time with family , say whats on my mind, dance instead of walk, be healthy, eat delicious (even though unhealthy) food, volunteer more, kiss more, love more, take risks, grasp opportunity, laugh loudly, smile more, trust instincts, learn more, make mistakes not once not twice but countless times, grow, hold on, and let go.

Finally to ‘Master The Art of Getting By’ you just have to live. So far i’d say we are all doing a phenomenal job.

breakfast

“Whoever you’re I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

Sometimes it is much easier to talk about deep troubling thoughts with strangers rather than family or friends. Mostly because, you know if they do judge, you wont have to see them again. Although it is harder to have small talks with strangers, from the fear of being awkward. I have decided to start a ask honeyy forum. Where you can email me about anything bothering you,  from advice, to just plain old rants, or questions about anything . I will be here to chat. I believe everyone has reached a point in life, where they wish they had someone to talk to.

honeyylime@hotmail.com

eternal darkness of the chaos mind.

For you.

Don’t let these chaotic thoughts consume you. For I know you are a warrior, and have nothing to fear. You may not know where you’re heading in life, but one thing I don’t want you to forget is that life is a gift, you’re limited to it, appreciate it. We complain how we don’t have enough time, while time is all we do have. So remember only the good things, pick yourself up if you are feeling low. Promise yourself you’ll be alright. Take in everything around you, fall in love, have adventures. You never know when these things may disappear. but don’t fear the unknown, embrace it.

;carpe diem

leave me alone.

26 more days till I’m 20. Leaving the teen  years behind. Crazy. To be honest all I want for my birthday is to be left alone, I mean people only come around when they need something from you anyways. Take what they want and they’re gone. I should just have “leave me alone” stamped on my forehead or on my answering machine. “leave me alone” if you only talk to me for favors. “Leave me alone” if you know want someone to give you advice or cater to your egoistical ways. I’m honestly tired of everyone around me, gradually reverting back into my isolated ways. Its much easier this way, not getting too close to people, I literally feel discomfort at the idea of being close to someone either in a platonic or romantic way, its intolerable. You get close and now you have to share things about yourself, you end up opening up about yourself, you lay out your deepest secrets, dark thoughts…your soul, for what? Them to take and run. How easy it would be for them to destroy you if they wanted to, with all your secrets in their palms.

I don’t think i’m capable of being vulnerable not for a very long time. So for now just leave me alone.

They only come around once in a blue moon.
They only come around once in a blue moon.